June 10, 2015
Ever want to know what goes on in the mind of a Peace Corps
volunteer? Lots of radio silence for the most part, only to be interrupted by
self realizations and loud thunderous frustration and chaos. At least that’s
what happens in my head. Days keep flying by and so much of what happens here
feels small. So when a friend says, Marlee take a step back…look at the big
picture, it takes a minute or a whole day to refocus. Every day begins and ends
and starts again with the sun. On the mornings I have to get up early and take
mags out, I can see the sunrise over the mountains from my host moms porch.
It’s always beautiful, and on days after day long rains, the sky is especially
stunning. I struggle to keep a hold of that peace that comes with eyes full of
the days light and lungs full of fresh clean air, when the little stresses chip
away at the solitude it creates every day. Thankfully, having Maggie in my life
forces me outside more for better and worse ( who really wants to go outside in
the rain, not even Maggie). But still the mountain of to-do’s and weekly
responsibilities pile up and free time is spent cleaning, making cookie dough 100
different ways or melting into the couch watching the omnipresent companion,
Netflix. I have to be honest, I thought I’d read more and start growing my own
tea (or at least keeping some type of plant alive), I thought I’d do yoga more,
reach out to friends and family more. But turns out life here is like life
anywhere else, routines and responsibilities and some how time slips by,
ordinary hours turn into unremarkable days and then 2nd graders are
4th graders and I’m a month away from my third consecutive birthday
in this country.
Days like today make me appreciate it all though. Today my
big picture was painted by my friends, who reminded me that while we all have
great expectations, nothing, nowhere and never turns out exactly how we plan,
but if you try hard, it still turns out. Today started with a budget crisis and
a dream being crushed. The budget crisis was partially an oversight on my end
and partially we didn’t get the same amount we had proposed in our grant ( didn’t
catch that part til later today). The dream being crushed was the one where I use
this green classroom project with individual classroom projects as a foundation
for a thesis, which despite having come up with and planned the model for the
last 9 months, I only have less than 4 to make it sustainable, which, if going
to grad school taught me anything, its that it won't happen in real life.
Still though, as I went to talk to Miriam about something
mundane, my crisis came out instead. But she let me cry through my dream
crushing, gave me an exceptional hug and parted with a piece of her coveted
chocolate. Thinking of it later made me smile, I will miss having Miriam around,
to know what I’m trying to say, finish my sentences and care about me like she
does, she’s pretty wonderful. And as luck would have it, my friends were also
very supportive. They talked me down from panic mode to damn near full
acceptance. My budget crisis has options, sucky but not a dead end. And my
project, while hoping to see it through more, I may only get to plant the seed
(even Miriam says so) and it’s up to everyone else to do with it what they
will. I have, however, dared to dream big and accomplished a lot with my time
here. The rain water tank will hopefully save the school money on water bills each
year which can then be used for other things, and at very least the compost
pile will serve as a permanent project option for future generations of little
kiddies. Everything else is indeed a small ripple in a big pond and that’s
really ok.
It’s a humbling job, being a volunteer. I’ve never not left
a volunteer position without having experienced varying levels of disappointment
and had something seemingly small turn everything around for me. A phone call,
piece of chocolate, origami frogs, some kid telling me to wait while going to
buy another bag of chips just to give me the toy inside on his birthday,
someone saying how much I must miss my family, a hug, so many hugs; the
underappreciated cure for sadness. These are the little gifts I will take with
me and what make this place so special to me, the people, my friends, other
volunteers, my work, adventures. All the little things add up and soon little
ripples turn into deep waves.
