No one can say what its going to be like. Its called a transition
and a readjustment time period. I left a place I called home and still sometimes
do. I left a job I put my existence into. I let it define me and give me
meaning and purpose. Towards the end I realized I was most proud of my
relationships and would miss them the most. I had a chance to go back 2 months
or so after I left and when I came back to Florida, I was even sadder than the
first time. I came back the first time optimistic, looking forward to a change
and happy to have a chance to make up for lost time. I overwhelmed myself with
errand running, Christmas shopping, cookie making, and being readily available
for all who call. While filling my days I emptied my energy and found myself,
on my second return, feeling more out of place. Going back to my site so close
to leaving was great to see my students have their end of the year party, all
grown up and ready for their summer and the rest of what awaits in life. All my hugs were filled with love and
appreciation that filled a void I didn’t realize I had. This void was the
absence of certainty, surefootedness, and understanding, things I haven’t found
yet on my own again in the states. Few ask about it, fewer understand. My past
two years weren’t just a job oversees where I contributed time and work to the
greater force of good for some people. It was two years of discovery of the
process and time and rhythm. It was a connection to something real, like hiking
a mountain and lying on a rock face soaking in the sun. It is a slow heartbreak
when I came home and realized none of that matters, “that’s not how we do
things here”, and that I can’t talk about it because it requires full attention
and empathy and intrigue and things no one has time for. Its personal, it was
my light I was cultivating and a vision for myself I built. The struggle to not
loose it means letting go of what I thought would happen and let what will
happen, happen. I will find it again, my surefootedness, my accomplishment, my
purpose, and it will happen how it always does, when I stay true to myself.
