Its hard to explain how I feel. Sometimes I'm happy, happy it all happened, happy to know now I have 26 new friends all over the place that I'm practically related to. I've feel in love all over again with some wonderful people, who have seen me at my best and also at my worst. I've hugged and cried and laughed all so hard this year. I've traveled to new places, seen beautiful landscapes, forgotten what normal means. I have worked so hard my body literally wouldn't move. Been so mad I thought I'd blow a blood vessel. I've seen people do incredible things with so little to start with and successfully trudge forward for weeks at a time, while camping with mosquitoes at night. I've never felt so proud to wake up and work passed exhaustion to do some of the best work I'll have the opportunity to do. I've felt taken over by a force much larger then myself both for the better and the worse. Had the rug ripped out form under me with the expectation to deal with it professionally. I've pushed passed fear of confrontation and intimidation for my team and for myself. I've gained a confidence knowing not only that I can do what I put my mind to but that I did things I never thought I could. I've had moments where I thought I'd never get the upper hand back because in a yelling match I let my emotions get the better of me. I have been in fear for my life while driving a bulldozer and realized, there are things I just won't do even if it makes work more efficient. I've listened while someone's world fell down around them and been that person whose reality came crumbling down and needed someone to hear me. Made plenty of not so great choices that sounded good at the time. I've felt part of something magnetic and moving and a part of a greater good despite the sacrifices I've made in other relationships. I've never felt more grown up, crowded, childish, alone, confused, certain and bipolar ever in my life. I have lived in extremes and I could not have done it without my green team, their beautiful, loving, understanding faces and comforting safe arms. I've been loved without conditions or restraints. I've also had a friendship with the kind of love that keeps you warm at night, even if it is just for now. I'll never be the same and although I don't expect anyone but them to understand I wouldn't have it any other way. There are no words for such the love and appreciation I feel, just oscillating heartbreak and a smile that won't go away.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
The closeout
It is that time again. The leaves are changing, I can wear a hoodie and my ridiculous kid size 5 snow boots and another year has come and gone. I made it through alive and only with a few more wrinkles then I started with and only a few years shaved off my life. So much has happened in just this short bit of time. To start, my personal proudest accomplishment that I had nothing to do with...I am now three nieces richer! Or broker really because we all know how spoiled these little girls are going to be.
Then we move on to the list; Eight states in ten months, yelling at people for their ignorance, reaching a whole new level of disappointment it took weeks to recover from (and I'm still working on it), worrying so much that those wrinkles I mentioned, well the one between my eyebrows is permanent, been filled with a sense of hope so profound it floored me just feeling understood. I've driven a tractor, a bulldozer (I thought I was going to die a few times), and a 15 passenger van through Baltimore (dare you to try); sweat so much my belt was never dry, and got so incredibly lost in the woods, (the hunt for me still goes down as a team builder in their book).
Although it's been done before I'm glad I have a moment to reflect before it all goes by too fast. Months ago I started worrying about life after AmeriCorps, the inevitable LAA. I have started three different applications, all currently in different stages of completion. One to grad school, one for a fire job on an engine crew, and one for the peace corps. Needless to say I have a lot of great ideas. I've spent hhhoouurrss researching a million different things and although I have a mere 7 weeks left until the bubble permanently bursts, I can't help but feel like I need the wind of reality to really change my directions. Another thing is unsettling within. Most of my life plans have been a no brainer.. Study abroad? duh! Join AmeriCorps? I'm already packed! With the million different scenarios I've envisioned, non have had the stamina to keep me interested. Now maybe that sounds pompous, and maybe it is, I don't know. I have just made very good life choices when they feel absolute, and ones that maybe didn't turn out as hoped on a leap of faith. What that says about my odds trying religion is interesting but I'm not interested in that at the moment, I'm looking for a path I can take with a sure step.
The one thing I do know is I've spent a lot of time making choices for just me, excluding family and friends in the decision making process. I've seen and done a lot, not enough to call it quits but enough to know that as beautiful as the ranges in Vermont are in the summer, and as magnanimous as the people I have met in my travels have been, my family... my family is an adventure all on their own. From left to right they are growing and growing fast. I still have plans, Big plans, but whatever they may be I don't want to stray too far to too long again. It's not all about me anymore. No I don't have a kid of my own, and No I'm not even close to having one, so don't ask! But this is bigger then me and it's the one thing that feels right.
Then we move on to the list; Eight states in ten months, yelling at people for their ignorance, reaching a whole new level of disappointment it took weeks to recover from (and I'm still working on it), worrying so much that those wrinkles I mentioned, well the one between my eyebrows is permanent, been filled with a sense of hope so profound it floored me just feeling understood. I've driven a tractor, a bulldozer (I thought I was going to die a few times), and a 15 passenger van through Baltimore (dare you to try); sweat so much my belt was never dry, and got so incredibly lost in the woods, (the hunt for me still goes down as a team builder in their book).
Although it's been done before I'm glad I have a moment to reflect before it all goes by too fast. Months ago I started worrying about life after AmeriCorps, the inevitable LAA. I have started three different applications, all currently in different stages of completion. One to grad school, one for a fire job on an engine crew, and one for the peace corps. Needless to say I have a lot of great ideas. I've spent hhhoouurrss researching a million different things and although I have a mere 7 weeks left until the bubble permanently bursts, I can't help but feel like I need the wind of reality to really change my directions. Another thing is unsettling within. Most of my life plans have been a no brainer.. Study abroad? duh! Join AmeriCorps? I'm already packed! With the million different scenarios I've envisioned, non have had the stamina to keep me interested. Now maybe that sounds pompous, and maybe it is, I don't know. I have just made very good life choices when they feel absolute, and ones that maybe didn't turn out as hoped on a leap of faith. What that says about my odds trying religion is interesting but I'm not interested in that at the moment, I'm looking for a path I can take with a sure step.
The one thing I do know is I've spent a lot of time making choices for just me, excluding family and friends in the decision making process. I've seen and done a lot, not enough to call it quits but enough to know that as beautiful as the ranges in Vermont are in the summer, and as magnanimous as the people I have met in my travels have been, my family... my family is an adventure all on their own. From left to right they are growing and growing fast. I still have plans, Big plans, but whatever they may be I don't want to stray too far to too long again. It's not all about me anymore. No I don't have a kid of my own, and No I'm not even close to having one, so don't ask! But this is bigger then me and it's the one thing that feels right.
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