Schwoops its September already?!

Today I wrote on a sheet of paper the time I walked into the building, expecting at one point for it to matter. It has been 11 months almost to the day that I have been an RPCV. It has been 9.5 since I’ve been home, sleeping regularly in a bed I didn’t have to fold out in order to share with Maggie. It has been almost 4 months since I danced into my graduation and felt the weight of a mountain slide off as I was handed my degree. And it has been 3 weeks since someone called me in for an interview for a job I would eventually happily take.

I know it has been even longer since I have written anything and truth be told, I haven’t had much to say. Coming back to the US has been both familiar and scary. One way to look at it is that I’ve shut myself in, shut the world out, spent time with people with the people who make me feel loved. Who would blame someone who spent two straight years putting all of themselves into a kind of work that rarely provided feedback. When I say all of myself I don’t mean the usual blood, sweat, and tears bit. I mean all of me; my opinions of myself, my understanding of reality, my ideas, my energy, my language, my humility, my courage, all of it was given away on a daily basis, just so that I could say I left nothing untried, unfinished, no regrets, no coulda shoulda woulda’s. Luckily my plan worked and I can safely say I did my very best.

And then I came back to a world that’s very used to things. Everyone is used to shitty drivers and news of death and atrocities every day. Everyone is used to washing machines, kitchen utensils, 1-day Amazon deliveries and choosing from isles of cereal options. Everyone is used to their life and protecting it and not used to me being around. I thought for a while it was that I just didn’t fit into certain lives, they have evolved beyond me. Dreams of coming home for the holidays would get me through some of my not-so-good days in Peace Corps but everyone was so used to it and each other it wasn’t a big deal by the time it rolled around and I was there for it. So after the new year, I buried myself for months researching, writing, analyzing, threading theory with practice then finally editing ‘til my eyes crossed in their red outlines. I survived the thesis writing process and moved on to the job hunt, yet another soul crushing endeavor. Turns out not many want to hire someone with so little "traditional" experience...

I should mention that through all of this, I was lucky enough to have the unconditional love of family and friends and one special someone who’s name I hope always makes me smile. Eventually I sought out words of wisdom and encouragement from friends near and far to help keep my head above water. I asked google what else I should be doing while temporarily jobless, to which it replied: work on cover letters, find a mentor, start a business, take supplementary classes, etc. Diligently applying to jobs and writing cover letters seemed like it would never end.

Now, as time marches relentlessly forward, I have also found a sort of peace with the idea of staying in Florida, because lets face it, something about everywhere sucks. Moving just to avoid the suck of Florida just to find a different suck somewhere else is not all together wise. I made a lot of spontaneous and adventurous decisions in my 20’s. I think 30 is not a bad time to sit still for a minute and collect my thoughts and maybe some money.

So in almost one years time I have:

Caught up on all the DC comics Netflix will allow,
Written a 50 page paper on non-formal education and how one of my greatest accomplishments as a Peace Corps volunteer had anything to do with it...then graduated,
Attended  4 graduations, 3 weddings, 1 family reunion, and multiple 5, 30, and 50 year old birthday celebrations

Gained weight

Seen a great wonder of the world

Became a dog-sitter

Visited 2 new cities: Breckenridge and Detroit

Lost my shit in traffic too many times and almost enough to miss the 12 hour bus rides

Caught up with friends from around the country in settings that almost always had great 90s music or iconic foods

Put my dog in headband-antlers for a Christmas photo

Gone camping, fishing, kayaking, biking and rollerblading (yup)

And landed a big girl job (with benefits whaaaaat?)

Granted this list is not exhaustive, and maybe 11 months of insights and wisdoms are forever lost under a pile of Orange is the New Black and the Flash, but I hope it fills in some gaps for those of you on the edge of your seat. 

homecoming

No one can say what its going to be like. Its called a transition and a readjustment time period. I left a place I called home and still sometimes do. I left a job I put my existence into. I let it define me and give me meaning and purpose. Towards the end I realized I was most proud of my relationships and would miss them the most. I had a chance to go back 2 months or so after I left and when I came back to Florida, I was even sadder than the first time. I came back the first time optimistic, looking forward to a change and happy to have a chance to make up for lost time. I overwhelmed myself with errand running, Christmas shopping, cookie making, and being readily available for all who call. While filling my days I emptied my energy and found myself, on my second return, feeling more out of place. Going back to my site so close to leaving was great to see my students have their end of the year party, all grown up and ready for their summer and the rest of what awaits in life.  All my hugs were filled with love and appreciation that filled a void I didn’t realize I had. This void was the absence of certainty, surefootedness, and understanding, things I haven’t found yet on my own again in the states. Few ask about it, fewer understand. My past two years weren’t just a job oversees where I contributed time and work to the greater force of good for some people. It was two years of discovery of the process and time and rhythm. It was a connection to something real, like hiking a mountain and lying on a rock face soaking in the sun. It is a slow heartbreak when I came home and realized none of that matters, “that’s not how we do things here”, and that I can’t talk about it because it requires full attention and empathy and intrigue and things no one has time for. Its personal, it was my light I was cultivating and a vision for myself I built. The struggle to not loose it means letting go of what I thought would happen and let what will happen, happen. I will find it again, my surefootedness, my accomplishment, my purpose, and it will happen how it always does, when I stay true to myself.