well there is always february

Faith. I never thought so much of my life was ever going to be based around such an intangible concept. But here I am, 2 months into my site, a couple surveys distributed, a handful of cafecitos attended and a few preliminary ideas about the dynamics how things work around here jotted down on some paper. I try and stay positive, mostly because it physically pains me if I say too many negative things to myself in one day. I realize everything is a process, and this process is what all my faith and “get up and go” is betting on at this point. I mean, if so many people before me went through this same agonizing integration process, I’ve got to make it to the other side right? They keep saying it’ll all make sense one day and that I just need to keep putting myself out there. People here and volunteers encourage me by saying my Spanish will be perfect before next year even! None of these things feel like they are going to happen anytime soon, but this is where faith comes in. I believe these past truths may one day become my past truths. My story won’t look like their story because I will have made it my own along the way. But it helps to know that before me, people were struggling through the ambiguity of “what the hell am I doing here” and making it to the other side of clarity and purpose. February brings the new school year, maybe new ideas and a revived motivation. Maybe I’ll actually be able to hold a conversation with someone in Spanish that’s more than describing how flat Florida is or what Peace Corps is. As much as it feels like life is running at the speed of molasses right now, I’m hopeful. The light at the end of the tunnel is the hope that all this faith in the process will have manifested into reciprocated faith in me to do what I set out to do; start with the people, facilitate positive social change, make it last. It’s a lot to ask but what can I say, it has always been a go big or go home kind of ride.

November, my sense is returning?

November, 26^th to be exact. The skies still get grey and rain still falls on occasion. But for the most part, nights are colder, winds are quicker, and I have less and less of an urge to go on morning runs. Christmas lights are out which makes me feel a little closer to home. For students its their winter break, the equivalent to our summer break. Next year brings a new school year but in the mean time, streets fill with screams (of joy mostly)  and games, like throwing rocks up in the air over each others head or building random things to race your bike over. For me, this means less time in the schools, just as I got used to a schedule, it changed, no real surprise there. It means more time in the community, more time in the streets, time to write my casa. The most daunting part is that it has to be in Spanish. I have come to terms that it will be a document, an incomplete one. Because there is no way I will have gotten to know the community inside and out or well enough to develop any sort of true diagnostic. Also lets be real, my surveys are far from board certified. I feel useless kind of and as though I’m still more of a burden rather a help. Still, I feel like people have faith in me, like my counterpart here at the escuela. He seems to think I’ll play a great roll in my two years here. I have two years but at the pace I’m going I feel like in 2 years I’ll have barely got some new project off the ground. It doesn’t help that it is the end of the school year when everyone just wants to leave and vacation. If I can just wait out the next couple months, do what I can, help with what I can find or what’s thrown my way, maybe next year, I’ll stand taller and be a part of something, collaborate or understand. Never the less, I am part of this place, whether those people I always smile at that never smile back want me here or not. I make friends with kids hanging out on light posts that go to my school and in the mean time I’m being more myself and realizing that no its not perfect, I’m not exactly doing any of the 100 things I may have thought at one point I’d be doing, The kids and parents don’t really know who I am, I don’t have a concrete purpose, I haven’t made any real difference here, and I don’t fully understand everyone that talks to me…yet. In time, things will make sense, this I was promised and this is what I have.