well there is always february

Faith. I never thought so much of my life was ever going to be based around such an intangible concept. But here I am, 2 months into my site, a couple surveys distributed, a handful of cafecitos attended and a few preliminary ideas about the dynamics how things work around here jotted down on some paper. I try and stay positive, mostly because it physically pains me if I say too many negative things to myself in one day. I realize everything is a process, and this process is what all my faith and “get up and go” is betting on at this point. I mean, if so many people before me went through this same agonizing integration process, I’ve got to make it to the other side right? They keep saying it’ll all make sense one day and that I just need to keep putting myself out there. People here and volunteers encourage me by saying my Spanish will be perfect before next year even! None of these things feel like they are going to happen anytime soon, but this is where faith comes in. I believe these past truths may one day become my past truths. My story won’t look like their story because I will have made it my own along the way. But it helps to know that before me, people were struggling through the ambiguity of “what the hell am I doing here” and making it to the other side of clarity and purpose. February brings the new school year, maybe new ideas and a revived motivation. Maybe I’ll actually be able to hold a conversation with someone in Spanish that’s more than describing how flat Florida is or what Peace Corps is. As much as it feels like life is running at the speed of molasses right now, I’m hopeful. The light at the end of the tunnel is the hope that all this faith in the process will have manifested into reciprocated faith in me to do what I set out to do; start with the people, facilitate positive social change, make it last. It’s a lot to ask but what can I say, it has always been a go big or go home kind of ride.