tis' the season for some reason

           Being a volunteer has become a lifestyle, I no longer think of it as doing something on the side that makes me feel good. I have literally changed out a conventional lifestyle where job benefits and vacation days concern me. Instead, I worry about future projects, partners for these projects, and how I am impacting the kids in my community. I don’t have days off or weekends, nor a 401K. What I do have is a drive so fierce to do what I love that I am working just to cover housing, food and some travel and it doesn't even cross my mind to be anywhere else. My host sister asked me what I would be doing differently at this age if I could; this came after I asked what she wanted to do by 27, to which she gave me some exceptional answers. But all I could think of, was nothing, I wouldn't change a damn thing. I have had a hell of a couple months thus far, integrating, establishing my role, making friends, finding my purpose. And it’s an on-going process that won’t end until I’m no longer here. 

         I have cried more times than I’d like to admit and have thought about going home because I wasn't quite sure I even knew which end was up. But then when I thought about packing my things and leaving of the next plane, back to familiar faces and expectations, I realized I’m not ready, I’m not even close to being done here. I still have an uphill battle and I will have to be at peace with the things I am away from in the mean time, which is getting harder to do the older I get. But I am here for a reason and although sometimes that reason hides from me or avoids my phone calls, it’s always been there and I have to see it through. Being a volunteer has now been a profession of mine for, going on three years; longer than any job I've had and its part of who I am. 

         Peace Corps attracts like minded people because it’s not like we really know what we’re getting into when we come, but we believe it’ll be worth it. All the struggle and inner conflict and external discomforts, it’s the job that keeps us here, knowing that what we are learning you can’t get anywhere else. Who stays in a job that barely covers room, board and travel where you have to live in sub optimal housing, and are faced with constant emotional and spiritual introspection and questioning because if it… we do. Why? Because it’s more than a job. Just as many moments you question your purpose, you find it again when you are invited to hang out more with a group of neighbors, or the kid you thought considered you the weird foreigner girl, grins ear to ear when they see you on the bus after months. Your job is your life and your life is your job, that’s why you stay, that’s why “it’s the hardest job you’ll ever love” because it becomes part of you and your purpose. I’m willing to bet that it also why so many people feel a deep sense of loss when it’s over and decide not to go back to traditional careers paths or punching time clocks afterwards. So for now, I have taken to living in the moment, now only comes around once so I will remind myself to enjoy this moment for the remaining 80 something weeks while I still have it.