A love bigger then I know what to do with

Its hard to explain how I feel. Sometimes I'm happy, happy it all happened, happy to know now I have 26 new friends all over the place that I'm practically related to. I've feel in love all over again with some wonderful people, who have seen me at my best and also at my worst. I've hugged and cried and laughed all so hard this year. I've traveled to new places, seen beautiful landscapes, forgotten what normal means. I have worked so hard my body literally wouldn't move. Been so mad I thought I'd blow a blood vessel. I've seen people do incredible things with so little to start with and successfully trudge forward for weeks at a time, while camping with mosquitoes at night. I've never felt so proud to wake up and work passed exhaustion to do some of the best work I'll have the opportunity to do. I've felt taken over by a force much larger then myself both for the better and the worse. Had the rug ripped out form under me with the expectation to deal with it professionally. I've pushed passed fear of confrontation and intimidation for my team and for myself. I've gained a confidence knowing not only that I can do what I put my mind to but that I did things I never thought I could. I've had moments where I thought I'd never get the upper hand back because in a yelling match I let my emotions get the better of me. I have been in fear for my life while driving a bulldozer and realized, there are things I just won't do even if it makes work more efficient. I've listened while someone's world fell down around them and been that person whose reality came crumbling down and needed someone to hear me. Made plenty of not so great choices that sounded good at the time. I've felt part of something magnetic and moving and a part of a greater good despite the sacrifices I've made in other relationships. I've never felt more grown up, crowded, childish, alone, confused, certain and bipolar ever in my life. I have lived in extremes and I could not have done it without my green team, their beautiful, loving, understanding faces and comforting safe arms. I've been loved without conditions or restraints. I've also had a friendship with the kind of love that keeps you warm at night, even if it is just for now. I'll never be the same and although I don't expect anyone but them to understand I wouldn't have it any other way. There are no words for such the love and appreciation I feel, just oscillating heartbreak and a smile that won't go away.

The closeout

It is that time again. The leaves are changing, I can wear a hoodie and my ridiculous kid size 5 snow boots and another year has come and gone. I made it through alive and only with a few more wrinkles then I started with and only a few years shaved off my life. So much has happened in just this short bit of time. To start, my personal proudest accomplishment that I had nothing to do with...I am now three nieces richer! Or broker really because we all know how spoiled these little girls are going to be.
Then we move on to the list;  Eight states in ten months, yelling at people for their ignorance, reaching a whole new level of disappointment it took weeks to recover from (and I'm still working on it), worrying so much that those wrinkles I mentioned, well the one between my eyebrows is permanent, been filled with a sense of hope so profound it floored me just feeling understood. I've driven a tractor, a bulldozer (I thought I was going to die a few times), and a 15 passenger van through Baltimore (dare you to try); sweat so much my belt was never dry, and got so incredibly lost in the woods, (the hunt for me still goes down as a team builder in their book).
Although it's been done before I'm glad I have a moment to reflect before it all goes by too fast. Months ago I started worrying about life after AmeriCorps, the inevitable LAA. I have started three different applications, all currently in different stages of completion. One to grad school, one for a fire job on an engine crew, and one for the peace corps. Needless to say I have a lot of great ideas. I've spent hhhoouurrss researching a million different things and although I have a mere 7 weeks left until the bubble permanently bursts, I can't help but feel like I need the wind of reality to really change my directions. Another thing is unsettling within. Most of my life plans have been a no brainer.. Study abroad? duh! Join AmeriCorps? I'm already packed! With the million different scenarios I've envisioned, non have had the stamina to keep me interested. Now maybe that sounds pompous, and maybe it is, I don't know. I have just made very good life choices when they feel absolute, and ones that maybe didn't turn out as hoped on a leap of faith. What that says about my odds trying religion is interesting but I'm not interested in that at the moment, I'm looking for a path I can take with a sure step.
The one thing I do know is I've spent a lot of time making choices for just me, excluding family and friends in the decision making process. I've seen and done a lot, not enough to call it quits but enough to know that as beautiful as the ranges in Vermont are in the summer, and as magnanimous as the people I have met in my travels have been, my family... my family is an adventure all on their own. From left to right they are growing and growing fast. I still have plans, Big plans, but whatever they may be I don't want to stray too far to too long again. It's not all about me anymore. No I don't have a kid of my own, and No I'm not even close to having one, so don't ask! But this is bigger then me and it's the one thing that feels right.

Summer lovin'

Well I guess it is about time for another blip on the radar.
I have returned from Tennessee, with more "Supervising Operations of Heavy Deadly Equipment" skills then I left with. It was a really good time though. Having a composite team is like being an aunt, I get to feed them sugar, yell at them less often, share more inappropriate stories and jokes and send them back to thier parents before I get too attached and want to keep them. My team was awesome, very reliable and funny as hell, which made the 2 weeks go by way too fast. After leaving chainsaws on a mountain side for lunch only to getting caught in torrential outpours the skies of west Tennessee had to offer, almsot having a corps member cut off a pinky in an effort to spare an imaginary team mate, spending one very long 6 hour day with the Boys and Girls club of the Carson- Newman College area children and sharing a delicious dinner with a family in the neighborhood who wanted to show their appreciation and offer their support for the work we do in the form of tacos and good company, we returned to the Point for debriefs and then went our separate ways. Looking back it was nothing short of a romantic interlude however only enlisting the characteristics of romance that are adopted by plantonic appreciation and mutual admiration of those involved. The romance of it all was the brievity of such a positive and educational experience in which we all learned something. It was a group of great people with great intentions and the world at thier feet, who had come together, with witty humor and a drive to go above and beyond the entry level call to serve. They are now off with their teams and I have returned to my team to help lead us into a most excellent second half of a year. Here is where I am both excited and worried. Two emotions I have felt at alternating pitches and speeds all year, however I have grown comforatble with as they settle in.
I'd like to continue on with explaining my summer break. I started off hoping I'd wind up on a beach, doing nothing for 7 days, but what it turned out to be was just as rewarding but came with more decision making and driving then I intended. After most of the corps emptied the campus a few of us stayed behind and enjoyed some solitude. Shortly thereafter, I travelled to DC and stayed with my team leader from last year. I got to hang out with some of the other team leaders from last year that had migrated to DC for one reason or another but live together as a happy family. It was a time for celebration as birthday wishes circled around and so did the whiskey. I chatted it up with AmeriCorps alums and got to see a perspective I have yet to experience: the post AmeriCorps reflection perspective. It is, upon review, an amazing experience, like none other any job can ever offer. After the Peace Corps 50th anniversay festival and an unintentional wet t-shirt contest sponsored by east coast untimely summer weather, I made my way to Atlantic Beach for the Fourth. Steak and potatoes, fruity frozen drinks and fireworks, made me feel the right amount of home I was looking for. After spending some qualiy time with papa Cea and Sabrina, I travelled south to Wilmington and got to see my very pregnant but very beautiful best friend Marie. How lovely the process of forming life is, scary but awe inspiring. Madison, after a couple of days got comfortable enough to kick for me, which kind of reminded me of aliens, but it was awesome none the less. Nags Head was to be my next destination and there I would spend the rest of the vacation, apart from the Sunday before we had to be back. It was great, to share one house, with some of the closest friend I have, doing nothing but mini golf and sleeping in, to include sleeping on beaches. I think the hardest decision I had to make was whether the rain was coming closer or going to pass us. On the drive back up, we stopped in and had pizza with Chris' family, who is just as cool as he is if not cooler, plus nothing beats seeing your friends baby pictures. The two days of making decisions for myself only in combination with seeing family and friends, was a much needed break from current reality and made coming back to campus that much harder to swallow. The week started up without skipping a beat and our first day back was doc'd as 13 hours long. Home again home again, jiggity jig :) So we finished out our transition week and mid year trainings.
I am currently sitting in a Panera, in Torrington, CT. I have family close by, the weather is beautiful and our sponosrs with the MRC are fantastic. My birthday is coming up, on Tuesday, and I have refused to make mention of it, mostly because if too many people know I get nervous. There is also a fellow TL in CT, Bridgeport actually and we are hoping to swing a visit soon. Although part of me is still trying to wiggle back into the niche I was in before break, I have found the second half of the year to offer a different set of lenses. The focus of life after is more of a priority and connecting while we still have eachother is another, at least from my end. If we can graduate this year and cry happy tears, I'll know I have succeeded :)

So it begins

It actually began a long long time ago, but it's actually too far to go back and re tell so I'll start with what I have been doing as of late.

I am currently a team leader for the Atlantic Region Campus of AmeriCorps NCCC. I run a team of 9 other 18-24 year olds, who when given crystal light packets and free time, resort to their long gone days of childhood. Its a toss up between excessive napping and horse play where someone usually ends up bruised or frustrated.

 I love them, they are silly and hysterical and smart and hard working. I could not have asked for a better team. Jokingly I tell them I must have done something wrong, usually when a joke has gone too far or their political rants are just too much for me, but in all reality, I must have done something right, because there is a lot of heart on this team. We pick on each other, we get frustrated and moody, we try and make the other ones feel uncomfortable with sexual inuedos, we care for each other when someone gets hurt or is upset, they are considerate and polite (at least those without issues of flatulence), and sometimes I have to right their wrongs. When the day is done, I sleep easy, like a bear or tiny woodland creature. I worry that I've not been fair or overstepped a comfort boundary at times, but I get the vibe that they love me back. It makes me sad already to think of the end of this year and when I am no longer responsible for them, meaning no longer their go to for random questions, even ones I've answered 100 times. "Do we need to wear boots?" " Do you know when you're going to know more information?" ... oh man.

Any who, enough about them, now what we've been doing as a team! The year started, and I swear CTI was almost fun. Mini spike came and we were off to Pa to work at a camp and retreat center. There we cleared trails, moved heavy rocks for low ropes and team builder sites, and even participate in the flying squirrel, which made me almost throw up all over my team who was too busy laughing. We still had Kaylea then, who has since been removed from our campus for one reason or another, which is still a sore subject, but she stays in touch. On our way home, we stopped at Hersey park and even got to ride the carosel fo free. Greg and I got our ice cream fixes and the rest, well as it would become a pattern, got lost somewhere. Unfortunately we would loose Kaylea to Iowa campus before the begining of round 1.

 First round, split project. Scene 1 Act 1: Delaware working with District One Little Leagues in Hartly De. We got to live at our sponosrs house, who is amazing. This is a shout out to the Wojcieszyn Family! We got to ride on a four wheeler, play a bunch of games that probably tore up their yard, got to run to Maryland ( not as impressive if you knew it was about a mile away, which now you do), use their hot tub, use their awesome kitchen, watch their t.v. in their awesome den, ride the horses and snuggle/ nap with their incredible puppies. Lap of luxury if I ever knew it. The work however did not yield such positive results. Most of our impact was cosmetic and wouldn't help the leagues to operate any better and would probably need to be redone in one to three years, which defeated the sustainability goal for a service project. We did however, get tons of food as people showed their appreciation of our work, in the form of pizza mostly, getting the fields up and running before their opening days. Out of 8 fields we worked on 6 and legitimately helped one to pass inspections to stay open this season, which was a good feeling; And we got to see one fields opening day the day of our departure, which was a pretty decent way to wrap it up. I think the team got more attached to their ISP project at the Dover Inner Faith Mission for Housing. It was hard not to. We got to know the people staying there and their stories. We got to know the staff and their reasons for staying. It is incredible how well an organization can run just on community generosity and measly government support when intelligent big hearted people come together for one purpose.

Scene 2 Act 1: Rebuild Together Baltimore

After our travels through the flat farm lands of coastal Delaware we happily took on our next mission at RTB; to help prepare for their big Rebuild Day in which they would leverage over 800 volunteers in one day to work on 25 houses in two neighborhoods to create safer, and healthier homes for the disabled and elderly in these neighborhoods. The staff was awesome, very passionate and dedicated to their work, which I think inspired the rest of us and brought with it a reason all in its own to do what we do. I know it helped me to remember that people like this do exist and are working behind the scenes most of the time and that this is what I love about my job, meeting people just like them. The AmeriCorps State that we worked with were also great, Amanda, always keeping it real. We lived not a 10 minute walk from the inner harbor in which many of us took advantage of more then a few times. There was an awesome Jamaican resturant/ bar around the corner, Steel drum cafe, which provided us with sweet bread, delicious chicken and reliable internet. The coffee shop down the street was also worth getting up in the am for chai tea. We had a movie night, in which Greg and I made cookies while everyone napped then ran out into the rain to find a movie and when we came back assembled everyone to watch. One thing I learned about my team during this time, some of the more difficult differneces we have. Made 3, maybe 4 trips to the urgent care, one after an epic soccer game agaisnt Calebs team inthe dark, but one we totally won and Tiff, for her efforts sprained her ankle. Then Andrew and I almost died of phnemonia, then Jamel thew up blood again...maybe it was more than 4 then? We did all come back in one piece. Our amazing celebratory brunch marked the end of our journey with RTB and our good bye was long and tearful, we had grown attached to our lovely sponsors. We even decorated a porcelain piggy back and signed it as a gift from us to them showing how much we loved " RBT"... typos included. Why a piggy bank? I'm glad you asked, you see we lived in "Pig"town which is the neighborhood around the staduim and since they are an NGO, it's a pun of sorts, since most of theirs worries are about funding. I thought it was funny.



after



before



Second round: Scene 1 Act 2: The beginning of this round starts with an addition to our family, Ashley who comes from a rocky background with some history needing to be left behind on another team. After transition, where as to be expected I almost lost it over a printer malfunction, we headed to Vermont for the coveted Nature Conservancy project. Everyone wants to go to VT ( or Maine but TNC is part of the VT package). It was all it was cracked up to be. The scenery was breathtaking and the sponsors were very cool. Laid back and organized, it was just about a TLs dream. We planted trees in the Champlain flood plain, picked garlic mustard a top a mountain side, and even snuck in a trip to Burlington, where I ordered a second cup of icecream at a Ben and Jerrys. Our housing was awesome, we lived with snake tamers and got to touch rattlesnake rattler, we had an epic dance party or two and participated in a "team builder" in which I got lost and had my team come find me, before complete darkness fell...also Chappy, whom I thought could help more then my team at the time, thought it was a good idea to alert his corps members to start calling my team because no one would answer..or had no reception but either way too many people were involved in this man hunt. Alas I was found and will never live it down, thank you Chappy. One day, while the team was split working pulling garlic mustard and pulling weeds at the nursey in Whitehall, NY (very soothing by the way) I got the call, rather Jamel got the call and the following information to translate to me (I was driving): My team is to be leaving for GA, we are being sent on disaster. Not particularly happy I got this news from my corps member, I was pretty pumped about disaster. We had spent a great 10 days in VT and as much as I tried I could only get in touch with one of the staff at TNC who showed up at the end of the day after he heard the news. In my humble opinion, it was a big hit. It would be a significant loss of volunteer hours, which is how most of their work is accomplished. They understood though and in recent coorespondance they wish us well on our new travels. Departing from VT even after 10 days was sad, the look on David's face as we pulled out of the driveway of the nursey sure didn't help me feel better, that coupled with the fact that I didnt exactly hear from the main POC until after we made it into GA. I believe many of us felt helpless as we left our quaint home in the mountains and back woods of VT while still holding back a little excitement for what was to come our next big adventure.

our worksite :)

Breakfast in Burlington, fresh jam mmm

  

Scene 2 Act 2: We had officially 2 days to transition before we piled right back into our newish van, new battery at least, ugh. We made a pit stop at South of the Border, just had to, for old times sake and cause some people had never even heard of it. Quick bite for tacos and such and back on the road. Georgia, home sweet home. To the Emergency Management office, we were supposed to be a group of 10 chainsaw trained men, which explains why our housing was an issue, they werent expecting a mixed bag. Our housing changed a couple times in a couple days and we ended up at a Baptist church with some pretty sweet amenities, including a ping pong table and internet! The neighbors didn't take to kindly to our folk but whatever, it wouldn't be the first time the cops were called 'cause we're colorful. We did what we could and made a hefty impact on the community of Griffin and got to squeeze in a visit to another big city, good ole Hot-lanta, where I got to meet up with Alysha who was in town visiting Jack and we got to go to the Jazz Festival..sa-weet, I ate a whole funnel cake. Just in time, because early the following week, it was decided, through a re-evaluation, that our work, although good was not contributing to an immediate need. Alabama and the teams there needed the help. Tuesday morning, while we were doing laundry (because work orders weren't available), we got the call, off to Alabama we go! So we scampered on over to Moundville, AL, and arriving on the scene, we see the Ameri commune, which looked like a hippies paradise and contained many long lost friends, especially my green team!!! So much love :D.

The dogs name is Danger, he was ours

 The teams that were there had been there for about the 2 weeks we were in Georgia and those at the campsite hadn't seen air conditioning since then. Two nights in a tent and we were off to a convent in Cullman. Griffin, GA was mostly wooded, hence the limited need for hand crews without chainsaws or big machines. In Alabama the tornadoes ripped entire downtowns and neighborhoods apart; Cullman and Birmingham were no exception. Three more days of working between Cullman and Birmingham's JFO office and I got another phone call. This time, I didn't see what was coming. Dave's exact word's: Marlee don't hate me.... turns out Tennessee needed a chainsaw crew and I was the pick out of 2 certified chainsawyers already in the south ready to deploy yet again. Chainsaw training was going to take place in Moundville the next day and I will be leading a group of 8 out of the 15 being trained to TN. Where..? When...?Who...? Perfect. Back in Moundville, land of bugbites and ameri romance apparently. One last bomb to be dropped right on my head, who was I going to pick for my team, Dave asks... Well I don't know I was hoping this wouldn't be soley my decision since I don't know most of these people. In usual staff to tl, tl to cm communication, I made it all up as I went.

 

Jazz Festival

Hot-lanta



Birmingham JFO



Birmingham

 
 

So here I am, in Jefferson City, TN. at 11:30 pm. I've travelled and seen many things both awesome and terrifying. I've heard story upon story that still give me goosebumps to think about. My team is back in Alabama, continuing to fight the good fight and help those who need it with other teams. Lia is now looking over them and I trust in her heart, I know they will be just fine.

I apologize for the length but as you see this doesn't account for everyday, which is a story all in and of itself. I felt the need to map out my life and what brought me to this point. We have just about two weeks left of this project then we will all reunite at our "home" base. But to be honest the south has felt more like a home since I've been here. Florida may not be considered the south but I swear I have a southern bone in me somewhere. I'm not sure where the next post will take place, or what it will be about, but I hope its good.