Its hard to explain how I feel. Sometimes I'm happy, happy it all happened, happy to know now I have 26 new friends all over the place that I'm practically related to. I've feel in love all over again with some wonderful people, who have seen me at my best and also at my worst. I've hugged and cried and laughed all so hard this year. I've traveled to new places, seen beautiful landscapes, forgotten what normal means. I have worked so hard my body literally wouldn't move. Been so mad I thought I'd blow a blood vessel. I've seen people do incredible things with so little to start with and successfully trudge forward for weeks at a time, while camping with mosquitoes at night. I've never felt so proud to wake up and work passed exhaustion to do some of the best work I'll have the opportunity to do. I've felt taken over by a force much larger then myself both for the better and the worse. Had the rug ripped out form under me with the expectation to deal with it professionally. I've pushed passed fear of confrontation and intimidation for my team and for myself. I've gained a confidence knowing not only that I can do what I put my mind to but that I did things I never thought I could. I've had moments where I thought I'd never get the upper hand back because in a yelling match I let my emotions get the better of me. I have been in fear for my life while driving a bulldozer and realized, there are things I just won't do even if it makes work more efficient. I've listened while someone's world fell down around them and been that person whose reality came crumbling down and needed someone to hear me. Made plenty of not so great choices that sounded good at the time. I've felt part of something magnetic and moving and a part of a greater good despite the sacrifices I've made in other relationships. I've never felt more grown up, crowded, childish, alone, confused, certain and bipolar ever in my life. I have lived in extremes and I could not have done it without my green team, their beautiful, loving, understanding faces and comforting safe arms. I've been loved without conditions or restraints. I've also had a friendship with the kind of love that keeps you warm at night, even if it is just for now. I'll never be the same and although I don't expect anyone but them to understand I wouldn't have it any other way. There are no words for such the love and appreciation I feel, just oscillating heartbreak and a smile that won't go away.
nailed it.
ReplyDelete