Oct 16

Today I went for a run and the rest of the day kept the same pace. Slow, because I’m either adjusting to the rhythm of life here or I ran out all my energy first thing. Yet fast because time passes whether we will it to or not. I walked to school in a cloud, not a metaphoric one, but quite literally a cloud, which made me smile. Since I got here almost 2 weeks ago, I haven’t smiled as much as I used to, I haven’t laughed or felt on top of the world like I’d like to or even how I was just 3 short weeks ago.  I’ve had many thoughts. There are moments in time during the day that I feel confident and ready to take on the challenges ahead, whatever they are, I’m not afraid. I’ve been through rough times, in fact as a team leader it was almost intrinsic in the job description to be lonely and do things your team didn’t always like you for, but I survived! This is supposed to be fun and I’m all about having fun. Then I have moments where I just want to stop talking and cry because speaking Spanish is like lifting heavy weights from the back of my throat that are tied to synapses in my brain. Words fall out of my mouth awkwardly, every syllable is wrong, every word is a raised eyebrow and I just don’t understand how after three months I can feel this inadequate. I lose patience with myself, assuming that others are wishing for me to be better or just stop talking all together just as badly as I want to be better. I give up. My brain feels swollen with effort but really I’ve done nothing but say things wrong all day long. Today I hate Spanish. Today I sat in a chair and at the brink of tears because I just don’t get it and sometimes, it feels like drowning.
Today I made a list of things to do, which I realized was approaching dangerous after my 5^th item, I knew I was asking too much of myself. Sure enough one or two items were completed. I can feel good also knowing the ladies that work at the school invited me to come in early to help; at least they are putting me to work. Trying to explain my purpose in English is hard enough, considering I’m not really sure what the hell that is anymore. I had an idea at one point didn’t I? I’m here for the kids...no it's not just that. I’m here to make a difference…that’s not good enough. I have things I’d like to do, visions of what me working here looks like, girls empowerment groups, boys empowerment groups, classes on sexuality, team work, tolerance, decision making, fun, man these kids are going to love me! Right? Sure. So far I’ve poorly articulated my ultimate objective to work with youth (super specific) while in the meantime I’ll be around to help with whatever (also really specific) and ask strangers questions regarding the issues their community faces (not intrusive at all). Taking my ability out of the picture, when can I start saying what it is I want to do without interfering with a genuine community analysis? First, when will people start inviting me to chat? Don’t they know I’m a good listener and I love coffee? No, I suppose not. Slow and steady, poco a poco, and everything in its own time. Nothing I knew that worked well came easy or overnight. I suppose this is no exception. For now I’ll stick to filling my calendar with things to do, sand desks, attend charlas, help at Día de los Adultos Mayores, read Spanish, breathe, eat, sleep, read English, run, walk, listen, talk.