Oct 19

I like today, it’s a Saturday but I still feel productive. Laura and I went to a charla at the museo in samram centro discussing human rights. The majority of women (cause all but one were) were mothers and concerned for their children in the school system. They all have children with unique needs and “diagnoses”. Learning abilities that span a spectrum are not exclusive to the US, nor is the push from pharmaceutical companies to sell their cures for these diagnoses. Children around the world face issues surviving and in a system that leaves little room for contextual education. Despite Costa Rica spending nearly half of its GDP on health and education, a point of pride for many Costa Ricans, the system still suffers inadequacies and shortcomings. The top down approach permeates the culture at administrative levels, and this is certainly not new. The difference for me continues to be the grassroots of it all. In the meeting, I scribbled in my notebook, thoughts I hope that will guide me in these next two years: I started my process of personal change step by step, you have to keep at it, change is difficult and never happens overnight, its that nagging voice that develops in the back of your mind, a collection of voices of people who made an impression on you because they have said something you knew deep down was right. My personal change happened when I got to college, and no one told me how to do it or what to think, I was offered the chance to think for myself. This group of moms, all with so much to share, represent an opportunity to realize that they have it within themselves to make a change; for themselves, for their children, and in the lives of others who struggle and suffer as they do. It was really encouraging to see what I have been studying actually happening right in front of me. People coming together, sharing stories, creating a safe space to express their feelings and get the support they, at one point or another, didn’t think was out there.

 I get exciting when I’m in situations like these, I get motivated and start thinking of all the possibilities my time here will bring. Talking with Laura, as we walked around, bought random shit we will throw out one day, eating lunch and splitting a cinnamon roll, I realized a few things.  I feel at odds with myself because I want to move forward, I want to show my worth, my skills, I want to share what I know, collaborate, motivate, encourage, etc., all the things that drew me to be a peace corps volunteer in the first place. And if I had just started a new job in the US, these things probably would be expected of me at this point. However, I am not in the US, I am not (really) getting paid and if I take a day or an afternoon off in the middle of the week, no one would probably know or care. I am a volunteer, in a new and different country other than my own, learning a language I have yet to come close to mastering. I try to remind myself to take my time, breathe, but I realized today I have another step backwards I could take; I’m not up against a wall just yet. I have two years and yes it is short but pushing head first into these expectations I’ve imagined for myself, makes me feel more at a loss, ineffective, and disappointed than anything else. Some where I heard or read a piece of advice that says: lower your expectations and you’ll feel better about your work. At first I thought this was unreasonable and almost depressing but from where I sit today it’s starting to make sense and for my sanity I think I need it to. Conversations, chatting with a few students, introducing myself to one new person a day, these are great successes, reasons to celebrate and appreciate the time, my time here. The other things will come, after trust is built, communication established, ideas are informally shared; but for now I need to pay respect to the passing of time, like appreciating the slow momentum of canoeing on a lake when fog sets in think and heavy. For now I need to work on my Spanish, the foundation that will make my work here possible, and learn about my neighbors and their stories, that will make my work here meaningful.