I just cant seeee

Some times I have days like today, when I wake up and I feel like I’ll mosey around, pura vida, take my time, adopt more of the tranquila lifestyle. It helped that today I didn’t have much to do. I offered to help with inventory… of what you ask! Well today it was anything with the word book in it; book, booklets workbooks, etc. It was roughly 5 hours of me by myself in the “archives” room, otherwise known as a storage room in the back of the school where nothing happens and people don’t even realize you’re there. It was nice to listen to my own music and spend a day “doing” something. With as much as I worry and complain about feeling useless, often I find myself explaining to one person or the other that I won’t be back the next day or why I wasn’t there yesterday. (I’m not even sure why they want me there, I don’t really “do” anything, in fact I barely talk). So far, at my school, I have the interdisciplinary team and the director. I have yet to break into the teacher or student circle. At the high school I have a couple of the English teachers, mostly just one, and a handful of students who think I’m weird for sure. I don’t want them to feel like I’m not there for them, but I can only integrate into one place at a time and school days are precious this time of year, I’m running out of time. The last class I observed at the high school, 3/4^ths of the time they were taking a test. I offered to play games next time which got a good response but now I’m terrified… what the hell do I do with them? My “work experience” with youth stops at putting them in harnesses and walking them through a course. A bunch of 8^th graders, awkward as they are, who probably think nothing much of me are going to be my first group… well baptism by fire didn’t become a motto of mine for nothing, it seems to be a theme in life. Hmmm and then I have days like Monday and Tuesday when it seems like nothing I do, not even eating, I’m doing right. I feel like that one time at water park I got stuck under a raft with a whole family on it at the end of a ride…. If I could only stand up, I could breathe and be ok. If I only had an idea what the hell I was doing, or felt like I was useful/helpful/ a part of things, I could breathe, and smile and answer the question “how are you” honestly when I say “good”. It’s like walking in a field with heavy fog and you aren’t sure if you should run or walk but you hear voices saying don’t worry you’ll be fine, just keep moving… Well I know I’ll be fine, its just a field, but I can’t seeeeeeeeee.

 It was more than helpful to talk to my mentor, Alexis. She had walked in these shoes before and has felt this strain. I want to write what she told me so when I have another Monday and Tuesday I can re read it, although ill probably just call her. She asked how things were and I told her what I was doing, she affirmed that I wasn’t alone, that what I was doing was actually the right thing, just being around, cause teachers and students will see your face and they’ll remember that you were there and they will begin to trust you. As long as I make myself available to talk to and help out where I can, play games, get a few kids to remember my name for next year, the process of getting teachers to let you in (their classes) and share ideas takes this time, these first couple months. She made me feel less alone, she offered to help out with a camp and when I said I had no plans for any, she said when I do, whenever I need the support, she can come help out. This next weekend we made plans to get together, so I can get out of the city, onto a beach and I think above all else, I could use this. Not even cause I need a vacation, or even earned one. But I have to remember that I’m not alone, and that yes it’s my job, but I’m also a volunteer and in order to be successful in helping other I have to take care of myself first (thanks Jenny for that reminder as well).